Relationship Talk

The Importance of Self-Esteem in Relationships

2009-10-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

No relationships could ever flourish if self-esteem is left out. This is a vital ingredient that enables a person to move forward and establish a deeper connection with someone he/she is involved with.

If you are a person who lacks true confidence in yourself, you will find yourself always in fear of not being accepted by the other person, even if you are indeed sincerely accepted and loved. This paranoia will eventually affect the quality of your relationship, sometimes causing it to end.

A healthy level of self-confidence enables you to see yourself as worthy of the other person, regardless of the flaws that are present. A confident person is happy with his/her looks and maintains a positive outlook in life. There is an irresistible charm present in someone who genuinely believes in what he/she has and what he/she can offer to others. This quality is attractive and draws the right person to his/her presence.

I learned that the success in the relationships I establish with my husband, family, friends, and colleagues depends largely on how confident I am with myself and in my dealings with them. I believe that it holds true for anyone, too. If you don’t believe that you are lovable and worthy enough for the other person, you will never achieve a fulfilling and successful relationship no matter how noble your intention is.

So start cultivating your self-confidence now if you are on the low range. Remember, it is the best investment you will ever have in creating beautiful and lasting connections with people in your life.

(Photo Credit: Lisa McDonald fredigitalphotos.net)

9 Obvious Signs You Are Getting Used As a Doormat

2009-10-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

Did you know what a doormat is? Of course, you do! It’s that mat you’ve seen so many times before the doorway, upon entering your home or someone else’s. You used it for wiping your dirty shoes.

But I am not talking about that kind of doormat. I’m referring to a human one. It’s a slang term for a person who submits meekly to domination or mistreatment of others. A doormat is a person who is the habitual object of humiliation or abuse by another. In short, it is the person who is continuously being used or taken advantaged of for selfish reasons. The following are obvious signs that a person is being used or being treated as a doormat. This could be you or any person that you know of. So watch out for these signs.

The person/s close to you has become more demanding without considering your personal circumstances. He/She wants you to do more for him/her while repaying you with little effort or none at all.

2. You always get interrupted each time you speak your mind or express your feelings. The other person thinks highly of himself and doesn’t consider you human enough to feel and share your thoughts.

3. You don’t get appreciation from your efforts even if you work so hard for the good of the other person/persons. You won’t even get a simple thank you. When you are doing your best for that individual and not getting back any appreciation for your good deeds, it means that he/she doesn’t care much about you. He/she only wants you to make him/her happy and it doesn’t matter if you are miserable in your life.

4. You do all the work but the other person does nothing to help you out. No matter how tired or sick you seem to look, you won’t get any help on a certain task even if he/she is doing nothing or just relaxing. This is another sign you are being used as a doormat.

5. You feel you are invisible to the other person. It’s like when you are around him/her, you don’t exist at all. When you are talking to him/her, he/she doesn’t even bother to look up or acknowledge that you are trying to strike up a conversation with him/her.

6. You lost your social life. You can’t go out and enjoy life with friends because you always fear that you will get yelled at when you come home, or worse the door will be locked and you will spend the rest of your day and night outside.

7. You are not shown respect. The person you live with doesn’t talk to you with respect but always put you down. If you have friends, you are always the object of ridicule and scorn. They want you to be with them not because they value your presence but because they want you as a source of entertainment for them.

8. Nobody remembers or cares about your birthday or other important dates and events that mean to you. Your life doesn’t interest the other person at all. But when it comes to his/her part, you are required to remember their important dates, or else you will be punished severely if you forget.

9. The other person cannot talk to you without yelling or being upset. He/she loves to manipulate your weak points and enjoyed seeing you panic and submit to his/her wants all the time.

If you say yes to most of the items above, you are being treated as a doormat. Remember, it is not healthy for you to be treated like that for the rest of your life. When you recognize these signs happening in your life right now, do something to break from it and find your worth and value as a person. It is never too late.

How to Respect Your Parents’ Influence in Your Marriage Life

2009-10-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Our parents or guardians have a tremendous influence to us as we grow up no matter how much we don’t want to be like them sometimes. We were raised by them most years of our life that even if we make ourselves believe we will not be as they are, somehow we still end up thinking and acting like them. We put our thoughts and habits very close or similar to our parents. Instead of fighting it, accepting and respecting their influence in your own marriage put less stress on you and enable you to live a happier life. Here’s how:

Step 1

Stop feeling the fear that you are becoming like your parents when it comes to how you act as a spouse and deal with your children. Fear is a negative feeling which attracts negative results. Remember that you attract strongly what you fear. You don’t want to be a nagging spouse which you dread so much to happen. Instead, see yourself as a unique individual who has the ability to become what you want to be no matter what kind of family you came from. This will give you the strength to focus on your self to be able to decide which qualities you learned from your parents that you love to keep and which of those you don’t.

Step 2

Stop worrying about the things that may possibly go wrong. Your worries will only eat you up and stop you from being the best spouse to your partner or parent to your own kids. Instead, concentrate on the best qualities that you see in your parents and use them to inspire you.

Step 3

Examine the similarities and differences in your own style compared to your parents. Take a look at how alike or different you are in your ideas and actions from them. It could be in simple or complicated things such as in how you decorate your home, how you talk to your kids, how you do the budgeting, how you get the family together, etc. We do pick up habits and attitudes from our parents but not all of them. Stick to the good ones and try to change the unpleasant ones by overcoming them with positive habits.

Step 4

Have an open mind about the things you see that are similar and different from your parents. Be open-minded as well to your spouse’s upbringing. That makes a difference in how you run your household. You and your spouse may come from the same culture but the family where both of you were raised up have different styles in bringing up their kids. Partners who came from different cultures face a more challenging role.

Step 5

Always remember, that no matter what, your parents love and care for you. They don’t want anything bad to happen to you now or in the future. Even if they don’t agree with some of the things you do, they still want to see you succeed in everything you put your heart into. Your parents want you to have a better life than they did.

Step 6

Put aside any differences between you and your parents, if any. Think about your own family especially your kids and how they will see you by trying to teach them what is best. You will be happy when your kids get married and give you the same respect as you gave to your parents.

(Photo Credit: Pierre Amerlynck)

6 Ways to Show Appreciation to the Woman in Your Life (Tips for Guys)

2009-10-03T08:30:00.001-07:00

Women are God’s delicate creatures. All throughout history, we can see the role women played behind every small and great events which shaped our present time. If you are a man who wants to be a champion in the lives of women, here’s the secret: grab every moment you can find to show genuine appreciation to the woman in your life. Click here to read more.

(Photo Credit: Laura Morariu)

Loving Your Spouse With Gratitude: One Secret to Marital Bliss

2009-09-24T01:10:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, as I was relaxing at the couch in our living room with my five month old daughter, my husband made a casual comment on how beautiful and sexy I was. Without thinking I made a hasty response by saying, “Honey, thank you but I think that beauty and sexiness you’ve seen in me are gone long time ago. You must be very tired, you can’t see right!” It was too late for me to realize that my words hurt my partner’s feelings. He turned away with a downcast face.

After marriage and after giving birth, some women’s self-esteem commonly spiraled down, mine included. Physically exhausted due to the demands of marriage life and motherhood, I have very little time taking care of myself physically. On the night that my significant other gave me his adulations, I was far from being beautiful and sexy. At least that was how I felt. My hair was a mess (I haven’t ran a comb to it all day), my eyes were puffy (due to sleepless nights of caring for a teething baby), the house dress I was wearing was not only unflattering due to its size, it also had blotches of baby food spills on it. Most of all, I felt so heavy just reclining on the sofa. I was wondering how my body couldn’t stop accumulating extra pounds everyday which is very frustrating. In short, I considered myself fat, ugly, and overworked. Unconsciously, I felt so unattractive at that moment that I consider my husband’s kind and loving remark as a joke! Fortunately, it doesn’t take much effort to appease my spouse’s sadness. A sincere apology plus a loving embrace and a kiss planted on his lips always melt the clouds away. In less than an hour, we were happy once again and talking about how our day was. How thankful I am for having a husband like him!

In the heart of our relationship, we always value gratitude. In the above incident, even if I wasn’t sure if my spouse was truthful in his comment to me, I still managed to thank him. It just came automatically out of habit. Being grateful for loving each other and affirming that everyday works magic. It helps us make it through during difficult times and keeps the bonds between us strong and intact.

Happiness in marriage doesn’t depend on the material possessions that you have accumulated, although they are necessary part of living a comfortable life with your family. You need to cultivate the love, the passion, and the commitment you have for each other by watering it with gratitude. Plenty, bountiful, and lots of it every moment that you can.

Here are some ways you can show gratitude to your significant other on a daily basis. We practice them because we believe in them. I trust that there are more things you can do for your spouse that are unique and creative. The possibilities are endless.

Wife to Your Husband

Lend an ear when he is talking about how his day went even if you are uninterested or busy. Just doing so makes him feel heard and important.
Accept and believe his compliments. There is no better feeling you can give to your spouse than to accept his words as true. It boosts his confidence in a significant way.
Say I love you always and mean it. Each time you see him, let him know. When he calls, part with these magic words. Or when you are apart, find other ways to relay the message that you love and care about him. It’ll strengthen him and fill his heart with joy and gratitude for having you in his life.
Give him some “me” time at least few minutes a day when he needs it. This brief moment is very important for your spouse to recharge and be in touch with his self. It’s one of the best that you can do to keep him happy and feel loved.
Once in a while, do something different for him. Make an everyday routine a little bit special. For example, if you usually cook dinner for him when he got home, how about preparing his favorite food with a little bit of twist? Or change a routine for a day? If you usually take shower by yourself when he’s not home, how about you wait and take shower together? Being creative in showing your gratitude to your spouse magnifies your love for him a hundred times.

Husband to Your Wife

Same ways as above but the other way around and many more….

(Photo Credit: Chi Le)

“What If I Can’t Forgive, Yet?"

2009-09-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

Did you ever find yourself unable to forgive someone that has hurt you in the past and didn’t feel so guilty about it? You have the desire to let it go but you are not ready. At least not yet. Well, you are not alone.

Amazingly, so many of us pretend we are devoted followers of the wise maxim, “Forgive and Forget”. I mean right away. It sounds like a harm done can be brushed off the shoulders right away so easily. But that is not the case all the time and doesn’t apply to everyone. Most often we still find ourselves rewinding the painful scenes in our mind and holding on to the gnawing anger in our soul. We struggled, we denied, and we punished ourselves just because we believe we are “evil” for not truly forgiving right off the bat. We thought we are bad persons. Personally, I am guilty of this at one point in my life until I discovered the true meaning of forgiveness.

You are perfectly normal if you can’t forgive a wrongdoing immediately. Many of us just can’t do it and those who claimed they can all the time must be saints or hypocrites. It’s one way or the other. I do believe that every individual differs in their ability to cope. Moreover, healing is a process and time is an essential ingredient. Depending on the person, it can take weeks, months, and even years to take place. Forgive and forget according to your own pace and never ever compare your progress with others. Remember, healing in your own terms allows you to walk through the experience, reflect on the situation clearly, and then when you are ready, move on to forgiveness.

It took me over 19 years to forgive someone who hurt me when I was a child. And I mean total forgiveness. The memories with the person no longer incite feelings of rage and bitterness when I remembered them. That part I am able to let go and found my peace. Yet, there are still other instances that need to be dealt with. I believe with faith, prayer, and diligence, they will be conquered in time.

So forgiving right away is a noble intention but for those who can’t, it’s still okay. What is important is your desire to forgive. When you are ready, everything will just fall into place.

(Photo Credit: Ulrik De Wachter)

Coping With Long Distance Love Affair

2009-09-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

It is truly hard for couples who are so in love with each other to be separated physically. The loneliness is overwhelming especially during times when you need each other’s touch, comfort, support, and presence. I survived a long distance love affair for three years with my then fiancé who is now my husband. We lived in opposite sides of the world. Talk about challenges, huh? We went through them with laughter and tears. Yet with all the difficulties we met due to the physical separation, we made it through successfully in the end. So how did we do it? Read on.

1. Make the Most of Technology to Communicate

The world has now become a smaller place with the onset of new technological advances in communication. Be aware and be informed. Use different communication tools to reach out to your beloved any time of the day. The traditional snail mail and cards are still okay but emails, chats, text, phone calls, and seeing each other through web cams for example are more efficient and much better. They offer a faster method to keep in touch with your sweetheart. My husband and I used these tools a lot when we were still thousands of miles away and it helped us bridge the distance in a fun and creative way.

2. Reaffirm Your Commitment Everyday

The difficult part of being apart from the person you love so much is maintaining the level of trust. There will be occasional moments when doubts fill your mind. Questions such as “Will he be faithful to me always even if we are not together?” and “What is she doing at the moment? I wonder if she is with another guy while I am here missing her so much!” are just examples of what may pop up. The best way to deal with this challenge is to reaffirm your love and commitment every single day you are apart. I still remember how my husband and I made a vow to always say “I love you” and let each other know how much we love the other person everyday. It could be hard to do this sometimes especially when you have fights or some kind of misunderstanding. But this is a very important key to keep your relationship alive and your love always burning no matter how far apart you are.

3. Love Each Other Deeper In Your Mind

A lot of people believe that love comes from the heart. But science proved it that we love through our mind. A long distance relationship will flourish if you and your sweetheart will make an effort to love each other deeply every moment. This means making a conscious decision to love the other person stronger and better. Always hold a picture of your dearest love in your consciousness and think about the depth of your feelings towards him/her. This brain exercise not only increases your awareness of your affections for your sweetheart but also draws him nearer to your heart. This way you will feel the physical distance melting away.

4. Keep Your Hopes Up

Sometimes it can be a real challenge to be optimistic in the face of doubts and loneliness. Worse than that is when you don’t know when will be the chance that you and the one you love will be finally united, as in our case. In a span of 3 years of online relationship, my husband and I only had the chance to be together in person twice and the longest was almost a month. Both of us wanted to be together always but our nationality and distance made it harder for us. Yet, we didn’t lost hope. Finally, after years of waiting and facing difficulties, our wish came true. I was granted a visa to come over and marry him in the US and now we are together and never apart again!

These are just some tips I can impart with you which are all drawn from my own personal experience. Number 2 & 3 work very well in overcoming temptations and staying faithful to your one and only. If you find yourself involved in a long distance relationship, apply these tips diligently and see for yourself the results. Here’s to your success!

To check an article I wrote about the Challenges of Cyber Love, just click the link.

(Photo Credit: Ivan Petrov)

What To Do When Your Boyfriend Cheats

2009-09-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

Girls, we all know the feeling when we found out that our boyfriend is seeing someone else behind our back. The common response is anger, frustration, and then heartache. Ouch! Of course cheating hurts! The degree of pain you are going to feel is directly proportional to the amount of feeling you invested on the other person. It means the more you love your boyfriend, the deeper you’ll get hurt.

So what is your next plan of action after you discover his infidelity? Confront him? Avoid him? Dump him through text? Cry hysterically? Wish your boyfriend to die? Get even? Etc. etc. etc.? Your options are endless. But what exactly is appropriate to do when you find yourself in this situation? I’ve got some tips for you.

1. Keep your cool. I know this sounds like a punishment in itself. Probably you’ll tell me I’m crazy and scream at me, “I have the right to be mad, lady! I ain’t gonna sit here cool and collected while my boyfriend is busy making a fool of me! I’m gonna slap him hard on the face and beat him to death if I can!” Sure, you have that right and I perfectly understand your emotions. I went through that (sigh!) But remember, keeping a cool head in a tough situation will save you a lot of regrets later on. When you are so angry, you can’t think right because feelings took over. And it has been proven a zillion times that it will cloud your judgment and your ability to think rationally. So, take the time to calm down first before facing the culprit.

2. Make a plan. Plan is always good. It will guide you through what course of action to do next. You can do this yourself or you may ask a person you trust who understands your situation to help you. The point is, do not go into battle unprepared. You are already vulnerable and doing so will bring you more pain than what you already have.

3. Confront your boyfriend about the cheating. Now that you have the plan mapped out, carry it out. Your erring beau may or may not be aware of your discovery but be prepared. He already had his own plan of action set up in case you find out that he cheats on you. Find a spot where you can talk to him and then go—pour it out. Crying is okay but hysteria is a no-no! You don’t want to give him the impression that he is too valuable. He’ll be jubilant in the inside and it will escalate his male ego while you look like a total failure.

4. Move on. It can mean two different things depending on the outcome of your discussion. First is, you may give your boyfriend another chance if he promised to be faithful this time and mean it. So, you and him decide to put behind what happened and be lavish in forgiveness. That is, you moved on, with him still with you. The second thing is that you move on without him. This can be painful but it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your future. There’s no use sticking with an unfaithful boyfriend who will break your heart continuously. Infidelity can be a one time affair or it could be a continuous habit hard to break.

Welcome

2009-09-02T13:49:00.001-07:00

Okay, I am not a relationship expert but I do have a thorough understanding of human relationships. Call it a gift or talent but I believe in my heart that I am capable of talking in depth regarding this subject. I started this blog because I’d like to share with others what I know, understood, and maybe here and there leave some pieces of advice that may influence others in a positive way. Based on observations and personal experience, I can draw some insights about the different facets of relationship. Everyone is welcome to leave their comments in every post I made.